She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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