if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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