I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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