like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
