I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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