I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Text me some of your sweat
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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