Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Randomize
