I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize