In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
