Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
