my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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