so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
