bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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