Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Randomize
