I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
