cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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