I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize