If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
