Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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