i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
