Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
