Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
