you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
