If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
