Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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