Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
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