So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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