turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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