my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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