There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I will be naked everywhere
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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