If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
