How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
is that a dick in a sweater?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
