Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
