everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
