I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
