Can i not drive my cunt home
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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