It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
