He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
