got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
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