My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
