I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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