so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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