It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Less talking, more tequila
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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