My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Hippo gnu deer
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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