Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
