and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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