You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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