Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
