Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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