his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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