his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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