Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
