There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
