So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
