I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize