my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Enjoy the penises
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize