i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
