just come out here and I will go home with you...
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
