When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize